


Hard Candy Christmas

by c_rissarose16



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established JJ/Kiara, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, JJ (Outer Banks) Needs Love, JJ (Outer Banks) Needs a Hug, Kiara gives him both of those things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:53:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28253454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/c_rissarose16/pseuds/c_rissarose16
Summary: Alternatively: Inexplicably, There is a Worse Caroline than Caroline Van der Worker“Ugh, how did Christmas get so fucked up?” Kiara groans. “We should be on a plane to New York City by now, not going to dinner with my parents and their random friends. By the way, who said they could just invite random people to fucking Christmas dinner? Did they ask us first? Nooo, why would they bother to do that?”“Probably because they knew you’d say no.”“Who’s side are you on?”JJ laughs, throwing his hands up in surrender. “I’m just saying, we’ll go out to New York after that storm passes and we can actually get on a plane, but for now we’re stuck here so we might as well go enjoy your dad's cooking. Random guests or not.”He rests his hands on her hips and smirks as she mumbles into his chest, “Since when did you become the sensible one?”JJ grins. “Maturity, babe.”In which Kiara's parents invite two of their friends to Christmas Dinner and things take an... unexpected turn.
Relationships: JJ & Kiara (Outer Banks), JJ/Kiara (Outer Banks)
Comments: 28
Kudos: 67





	Hard Candy Christmas

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RoseofWinterfell](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoseofWinterfell/gifts).



> Disclaimer: this not a Christmas fic. this is an angst fic that happens to take place during Christmas. just thought I should put that out there. The ending is very fluffy and soft though I swear. Also if you did not get the alternative title joke then you should go read The Pogue Lyfe T-Shirt Company RIGHT NOW because it is amazing. 
> 
> I literally cannot believe I am posting this on Christmas. I was asked to write something angsty with not much cheesy Christmas stuff and you know what I went overboard in both of those categories. This has a loT of angst and little to no Christmas. I apologize. But I also don't. I was AsKED to write angst okay?? A big thank you to YellowLabratory for reading this angsty monstrosity at midnight and catching all the times I forgot a word and for supporting my evilness in releasing this on Christmas day. 
> 
> Sooo as you can see this is a fic exchange present for the absolutely amazing RoseofWinterfell and trying to write something worthy of someone that incredibly talented was totally not daunting or intimidating at all *nervous laughter* but I'm pretty proud of this so hopefully it lives up lol 
> 
> btw this exists in the same universe as "swept completely of my feet" if you read the first chapter of that yesterday so this is kind of a sequel (spoiler alert! JJ and Kie get together at the end! bet you didn't see that coming) but that's really just a fun fact because you don't need to read one to understand the other 
> 
> anyway enough of me talking, please enjoy!!

####  _Vintage tee, brand new phone_

_High heels on cobblestones_

_When you are young, they assume you know nothing_

_Sequin smile, black lipstick_

_Sensual politics_

_When you are young, they assume you know nothing_

“Are you sure you wanna do this?” Kiara asks, stepping out of the car and into the winter air in front of her parent’s house. “Cause I don’t mind, we can just say you’re not feeling well orー” 

“Kie.” JJ cuts her off, leans his arms against the hood of the car, and meets her eyes. “Do _you_ want to do this?” 

She huffs and tilts her head back, mumbles, “no.” 

JJ laughs, makes his way to her side of the car. “Well, don’t try and put it on me. If going to a couple of kooky business dinners every once in a while and listening to entitled rich asshats gossip is the price I have to pay to go out with Kiara Carrera then I am more than happy to deal. Besides it’s _Christmas_ , we can’t just _not go._ ” 

“Ugh, how did Christmas get so fucked up?” Kiara groans. “We should be on a plane to New York City by now, not going to dinner with my parents and their random friends. By the way, who said they could just invite _random_ people to fucking Christmas dinner? Did they ask us first? Nooo, why would they bother to do _that?_ ” 

“Probably because they knew you’d say no.” 

“Who’s side are you on?” 

JJ laughs, throwing his hands up in surrender. “I’m just saying, we’ll go out to New York after that storm passes and we can actually get on a plane, but for now we’re stuck here so we might as well go enjoy your dad's cooking. Random guests or not.” 

He rests his hands on her hips and smirks as she mumbles into his chest, “Since when did you become the sensible one?” 

JJ grins. “Maturity, babe.” 

Kiara rolls her eyes. “You just want my parents to like you.” 

“Is that a crime?” 

“It’s kinda pathetic. You’re dating me, not them. I’m the only one you have to impress.” 

JJ sighs. She’s never really understood his need to be liked by her parents. He’s been given more lectures than he can count about how she can do what she wants, it doesn’t make a difference what they think of him because _she_ wants to be with him and that’s all that matters. It’s a nice sentiment, but he wishes he could find the words to explain how a thousand reassurances wouldn’t make it hurt any less to know that her parents still see him as _just another no-good Maybank._ Words have never really been his thing, so he settles for, “I know, I know. It’s just nicer if they do.” 

Kiara sighs and lifts her head up to press a kiss to his cheek. “They are warming up to you know. I think my mom might even _like_ you.” 

JJ tries to hide a proud grin. While Kiara hates that her parents invited their friends to dinner, to him it means that the Carrera’s are finally starting to accept him, that they trust him not to completely fuck up their night with his inherent white trash _Maybankness_. 

Kiara wraps her arms around his waist and presses her cheek to his chest, gazes up at him. “It’s really sweet, you know. How much you want them to like you. It’s unnecessary but sweet.” 

She has no idea how relieved he is to hear her say that. A lot of the time it feels like she’s annoyed at him for trying so hard. 

JJ presses a kiss to her forehead and wraps an arm around her waist, Kiara settles against his side and rests her head against his shoulder, lets out a contented sigh. 

“Hey, at least now you’ve got me to suffer with you. Joint suffering. That’s like a double negative. Cancels it out.” 

Kiara laughs, shaking her head. JJ lets a small smile creep across his lips. No matter how many times he’s done it, making her laugh is still his favorite thing to do. 

“My hero,” she adds dryly, but there’s still a ghost of a smile tugging at her lips. 

JJ grins back at her, says, “anything for you milady,” in an exaggerated British accent. 

Kiara rolls her eyes and pushes at his chest, not bothering to hide her smile. “You’re such an idiot.” 

She starts to walk past him towards the door but JJ wraps his arms around her waist and pulls her so they’re standing face to face, his arms resting loosely on her lower back. He leans down to whisper in her ear, “maybe I can make it up to you tonight.” 

He can hear her scoff as she pulls away to face him, squinting her eyes like she’s sizing him up. 

Finally, she says, “ _Maybe,_ I’ll _let_ you make it up to me, _if_ you’re on your best behavior,” with a teasing grin. 

JJ laughs, “Only if _I’m_ on my best behavior? You were the one whining.” 

Kiara scoffs, “I was _not_ whining.” 

“Mmhm. Whatever you say, babe.” 

  
“I wasn’t!” 

  
“Can I kiss you now?” 

She purses her lips and narrows her eyes at him. 

He looks down at her from beneath his eyelashes, pouts, “pretty please?” 

JJ sees a smile tugging at her lips as she relents, “fine.” 

“Thank you.” He brushes a curl to the side and gently cups her face towards his. Even after two years of dating, kissing Kiara still manages to light a spark in JJ’s chest, like something falling into place within him. He might voice that thought when they get home tonight just to watch her roll her eyes, and hide a blush, tell him to _stop being such a John B._

When he pulls away they’re both gasping for breath a little, Kiara’s eyes flutter open and she whispers, “you are way too good at that.” 

He grins proudly. “Feel better?” 

Kiara doesn’t respond but he can tell that some of the tension in her shoulders is gone. He takes her hand, linking their fingers together, “you ready?” 

She sighs, “for dinner with my parents? Always.” 

JJ grins, wraps an arm around her shoulders, and pulls her towards him, “that's the spirit.” 

**_Playin' hide-and-seek and_ **

_Givin' me your weekends_

_I, I knew you_

_Your heartbeat on the High Line_

_Once in twenty lifetimes, I_

_And when I felt like I was an old cardigan_

_Under someone's bed_

_You put me on and said I was your favorite_

  
  


Mike is in the kitchen when they walk in, but Anna is still scurrying around the parlor making last-minute adjustments to the already perfect house. She looks up when she hears them open the door, exclaims, “oh Kiara, sweetheart! Merry Christmas!” Walking over to give her daughter a hug, “we were beginning to wonder if you two were going to make it!” 

“There’s no _we_ !'' Calls a voice from another room, Mike comes out from the kitchen, pulling off a white apron, “your _mother_ was beginning to wonder if you were going to bail-- sorry _make it_. _I_ had complete faith in my daughter.” 

Kiara laughs and rolls her eyes, and hugs her dad, “of course we came.” 

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” JJ adds, with enough sincerity not to be rude, and enough humor to be taken lightly. 

Mike laughs and reaches out to shake his hand, “good to see you too JJ.” 

JJ grins, returns the handshake, and politely asks, “how’ve you been?” as the four of them make their way to the furniture. 

“Not bad, not bad, busy as always. The Wreck really takes off this time of year.” 

“Sure does.” 

“How about you two? How’s Australia?” 

“It’s awesome! The biggest waves I’ve seen and all sorts of crazy animals everywhere,” he wraps an arm around Kiara's shoulder, “and Kie’s out saving the world sea turtle by sea turtle.” JJ aims for teasing but the small blush on her face tells him that a lot of the pride seeped through as well. 

“ _He_ mostly spends his time fangirling over surfing and Steve Irwin the whole time.” Kiara pipes up, changing the subject. 

“Hey! That man is a _legend_!” 

Kiara rolls her eyes, taking a seat on the sofa. He slides in beside her, her parents on the opposite couch. 

“You’ll have to tell Caroline about it,” Mike adds thoughtfully, “she was a big-time professional surfer back in her day, ”

Anna scoffs, “Yes, Mike, we all know how Caroline was a surfer.” 

Both JJ and Kiara turn to her, Mike just laughs. 

“Anna _hates_ Caroline.” 

“I do not _hate_ her. She’s just… annoying. Always _so_ energetic no matter the time of day always _has_ to be the center of attention, God knows where she came from before Ben picked her up at some surfing competition. And she's just so incredibly _blonde.”_

“Why’d you invite her if you hate her so much?” Kiara mutters, folding her arms and leaning back against the couch. 

“They’re trapped here because of the storm as well and it seemed like the polite thing to do. The more the merrier.” 

Before Kiara can respond, there’s a knock at the door and Anna immediately jumps up to get it. JJ and Mike share a look of relief at the girl's argument being interrupted. 

Kiara leans over to him and whispers, “watching mom pretend to love people she hates is the most entertaining thing about these shit shows.” 

“Who are these people again?” JJ asks as they stand up and make their way to the door. 

“Ben is an old college friend of moms and Caroline is his surfer girl turned socialite wife that mom can’t stand.” 

JJ nods as the couple walks in, greeting Kiara’s parents. “You must be the boyfriend,” Ben says, reaching out to shake his hand, he’s a few inches shorter taller than JJ, with mousy brown hair and kind brown eyes. JJ’s spent his whole life deducing the possible threat of every adult man he comes across, it’s instinctual, subconscious and he can immediately tell that Ben's threat level is about zero. Possibly negative zero. The kind of dude that would chase flies out of the house instead of killing them.

“That would be me,” he responds with a grin, “JJ, pleasure to meet you.” 

Ben smiles back at him.“Likewise, I’m Ben, and this is my wife Caroline,” he motions to his wife, who was still fussing over Kiara. A petite woman with light blonde hair that falls to her shoulders, the gentle muscle tone and deep tan of a surfer. She turns around to face him, says, “pleased to meet you JJ,” a warm smile spreading across her face, her eyes a soft blue with a mischievous gleam that makes his heart stop dead in his chest and his breath catch in his throat.

JJ can’t speak. Can’t think. Can’t move. A part of him is vaguely aware of everyone staring at him, waiting for his polite response, but those details don’t seem important at the moment. He can only stare at _her._ Standing in front of him alive and real and _rich._ JJ’s frozen to the spot as long-buried memories bubble to the surface. 

_He’s five years old, and she drops him off on his first day of kindergarten, he’s scared, he’s never been away from her for this long. He clings to her leg, begs her to take him home. She bends down to meet his eyes and wipes the tears from his cheeks and cups his face in her soft warm hand, “look at me, baby. Don’t cry. Don’t you cry, you’ve gotta be strong okay? Be strong for me.” He nods, adamantly, and says "yes mama.” She smiles down at him, kisses his forehead, and whispers, “that’s my tough little guy. Give 'em hell for me.”_

_He’s six when he first crawls out of the closet (where she told him to hide anytime she and daddy fought) after the angry voices die down, he finds her crying on the floor, a large red mark across her face, blood coming out of her nose. “Mama?” he asks quietly. She looks up at him, in surprise, “baby, baby go to bed.” He ignores her order, repeats what she told before, “Mama? Mama don’t cry, you have to be strong. Be strong for me.” It just makes her cry harder, so he nestles himself beside her and wraps his little arms around her shoulder. “I’m trying baby,” she whispers back to him, “I’m trying so hard but I just- I don’t know how long I can-” she continues crying, he doesn’t understand why she’s sad, but he holds her anyway._

_It wasn’t the last time._

_He’s eight years old when he first jumps in front of his father's fist for her. Gets thrown across the room for the first, but hardly the last time in his life. She holds him after and they cry together, she says she just can’t do it anymore. Not long after she creeps into his room late one night, whispers that she loves him, that she’s sorry, that things will be better this way. And just like that, she was gone._

“JJ?” Kiara’s voice pulls him back to the present, she goes to rest a hand on his forearm and he flinches away. It feels like he’s been gone forever, but it must only have been a matter of seconds. He can feel the eyes of everyone in the room boring into him, and he knows he needs to say something but he doesn’t trust himself to speak. 

“JJ, are you okay?” Kiara tries again, it takes all of his will power to pull his gaze from the woman in front of him to his girlfriend. 

He swallows hard and before he can even think of a response Caroline pipes up with, “oh don’t worry honey, I have that effect on most boys,” she flashes a wink and a cocky grin, not too different from his own, tugs at her lips. The room breaks into easy laughter, relieved at an end to the tension. Caroline places her hands on her hips and looks him over, for a second JJ thinks she might recognize him then she adds, “you’re cute sweetheart but I don’t date younger men,” then laughs at the flustered look on his face. 

Kiara frowns and JJ resists the urge to vomit in his mouth. 

“Caroline stop harassing that poor boy,” Ben says, taking her hands and lightly tugging her towards him. “I am so sorry JJ, don’t mind her.” 

“Oh come on Benny don’t be such a buzzkill,” Caroline pouts, says, “I’m only teasing,” and flashes JJ a wink, walking away with a laugh so familiar it hurts. 

JJ feels like he’s gonna puke.

Kiara laughs beside him, “Oh come on she’s not that bad. I get it, she’s hot in a surfer _barbie_ type way.” 

JJ just blinks at her, he hadn’t realized he said that out loud, and Kiara just unknowingly called his mom hot. 

Kiara frowns at him, presses a finger to furrow in his brow, “what's gotten into you? You okay?” 

  
He glances back at the sofa’s where Kiara’s parents are chatting lightly with their guests, completely oblivious to the fact that one of them is the teen mom, ex-wife of a degenerate drunken ex-smuggler. He imagines outing her at Christmas dinner would _not_ earn him any brownie points. He could tell Kiara. She’d understand and they could leave right now, explain it to her parents later, but before he can find the words Anna’s voice is calling them over to hear a story about surfing. So he smiles at her, says, “'m fine,” and takes a seat beside her father before Kie can call him on his bullshit. 

####  _You drew stars around my scars_

_But now I'm bleedin'_

_'Cause I knew you_

_Steppin' on the last train_

_Marked me like a bloodstain_

_I, I knew you_

_Tried to change the ending_

_Peter losing Wendy_

Sitting on a sofa in between Kiara and her father, watching his _mom_ tell a dramatic story about surfing in Hawaii, JJ has to take a minute to remind himself how to breathe. His _mom_ , a professional surfer. He’d been informed by multiple older relatives that he had his mother's way with a board, which makes sense, seeing as she taught him how to surf. As soon as he could doggie paddle, he was holding on tight to the front of her board as she cruised through the water, which, looking back on it, even with floaties and a cheap life jacket probably wasn’t the safest thing for a four-year-old. Looking back, his entire childhood could be summarized by the four words _probably not the safest,_ even before his mom dipped. 

He hates how _familiar_ she is, her hair is shorter, her tan is lighter, and she looks healthier, _happier_ than the wisp of a woman he remembers. But she has the same eyes, the same mischievous smile, the same playful, overabundance of energy he’d so obviously inherited. He hates how she hadn’t even recognized him, not even a little bit. Sure, it had been sixteen years since she’d last seen him, but he’d thought there might have been some sort of _motherly instinct_ or some shit. Then again, she had kinda sucked at the whole _mother_ thing, so he’s not sure what he was expecting. 

“So, your mother tells me you two are quite the surfer's yourselves?” Caroline asks, apparently having finished her story, turning to him and Kie. 

JJ is once again stunned speechless the second her focus turns to him. Thankfully Kie responds for them both, “yeah we’re not too bad, it’s one of the only things to do around here so we all learn pretty young. Dad started teaching me when I was ten. JJ is _almost_ as good as I am, and I’m pretty sure he could surf before he could walk.” 

JJ scoffs, “I could _swim_ before I could walk. I didn’t actually start surfing by myself until I was, like, six and you can tell yourself whatever you want Carrera but I’m the better surfer and that ain’t changing.” 

Caroline smiles at him, a warm feeling flutters in his chest despite himself, “your dad teach you too?” 

He swallows hard, meets her eyes, soft and warm and completely unaware. JJ takes a deep breath and somewhat manages to softly say, “My mom, actually.” 

She smiles at him again, leans back against the seat, JJ thinks there might be a wistful look in her eyes, “a woman after my own heart. That’s around when I started teaching my kids.” 

JJ‘s stifles a gasp in his throat, “your kids?” 

“Yes,” she squeezes Ben’s hand, “ we have three.”

A deep pit sinks in JJ’s stomach that makes bile rise to his throat and tears start stinging behind his eyes. _We_ have three, her and Ben, he wasn’t included in that count. It’s not a surprise, why would she go around talking about the mistake she made at fifteen. Yet the thought of her raising three other kids, being _there_ for three other kids in some mansion with her soft-spoken husband and pretty Kook life makes JJ want to punch something. 

“Ow!” Kiara exclaims randomly, pulling her hand out of JJ’s. He hadn’t even noticed he’d been squeezing it. She shakes her hand out in front of her and mutters, “remind me to get you a stress ball or something.” 

JJ huffs out a laugh and curls his fists, digging his fingernails into his palms in an attempt to quell his rising urge to smash his fist into a wall. 

The pain grounds him. 

The older couples go back to their small talk and JJ tries to focus on taking slow breaths. Reminds himself that this is his chance to prove to Kiara’s parents that he’s mature and good enough to be with their daughter, and having a violent nervous breakdown will _not_ help his case.

“ _JJ_ !” Kiara says softly, the others are too involved in their conversation to hear. He turns to her and watches as she gently takes his wrist and uncurls his fists. “what are you _doing?_ ” 

He pulls his hand out of her grip and shoves them both in his pockets, “it’s nothing.” 

Kiara gapes at him, “JJ what the he-” 

She’s interrupted by her father announcing that dinner’s ready, they all stand up and make their way to the dining room. Kiara stops him in the hallway, turns him to face her, one hand on his bicep, studying his face. She doesn’t say anything, which he appreciates, brings her other hand to rest on his cheek. JJ can’t help but lean into her touch, “Kie—” he starts, but is cut off by Anna coming up behind them, placing a hand on her daughter's shoulder and saying, “we have _guests_ Kiara, you can make out with your boyfriend later.” 

Kiara rolls her eyes, “one-second mom!” 

“It’s rude, Kie.” 

“I’m coming!” She snaps at her mother, turns back to JJ, says softly, “ we can talk later tonight yeah?”

He nods and offers her a small smile, she smiles back at him, squeezes his arm comfortingly before following her mother into the dining room.

####  _I, I knew you_

_Leavin' like a father_

_Runnin' like water, I_

_And when you are young, they assume you know nothing_

  
  


JJ takes a seat beside Kiara as Mike strikes up a conversation. Kiara takes his hand and squeezes it, offers him a small reassuring smile. For some reason, it takes him back to the day John B disappeared when she’d offered him a very similar smile before he went to get the keys for the Phantom. It feels like yesterday and forever ago at the same time, but that smile hasn’t changed, and neither has the way it makes him feel. It doesn’t make him feel better per se, it can’t erase all the shit he’s already feeling, but it does make him feel less _alone._

“So JJ,” Ben starts, JJ flinches at being addressed directly, and freezes. He feels Kiara lift his hand off her thigh and give it a squeeze. To his surprise Ben actually notices, says, “sorry, didn’t mean to startle you, I was just going to ask where you’re from?” 

_Stepdad._ This man is legally his _stepdad._

Kiara clears her throat, reminding him that he was actually asked a question. “Right, um, here actually. Born and raised.” 

Ben nods enthusiastically, “I wish I’d grown up here, it must have been a lot of fun.” 

“You could say that.” 

“So what do your parents do?” 

_Well one of them is currently your trophy wife,_ JJ thinks sardonically, says, “well uh my dad’s worked a lot of jobs but he was a mechanic for a while.” 

“A mechanic,” Ben repeats thoughtfully, “I love working with cars. I like to fix things up in my spare time, it’s a lot like solving a puzzle. You pick up any of your father’s expertise?” 

JJ shifts uncomfortably, picking at the food on his plate, “Uh, yeah, a little bit.” 

  
Kiara laughs beside him, “a _little bit?_ Since when are you so humble?” She turns back to Ben, “another thing he’s _almost_ better at than I am.” 

JJ scoffs, “I went to work with him a lot, we’d work on old boats and cars together sometimes, I picked up smile stuff.” Kiara squeezes his hand. 

Ben smiles at him softly, “I love working on cars with my son--” 

_Son. His son. JJ’s half brother_. 

“--and daughters of course,” Ben adds with a chuckle, “I think Julie likes it more than Charles does anyway.” 

_Charles and Julie._ His _half-siblings_ , who grew up working on cars in a beautiful garage with their soft-spoken father. Not because they _had_ to because their dad couldn’t afford daycare and needed the money, but because it was like _solving a puzzle._ JJ aggressively starts cutting up his slice of ham because if he doesn’t do _something_ with his hands he might end up pelting his glass at the wall. 

“Say, there’s a problem with the motor on this old mini cooper I found, maybe I could get your opinion on it after dinner?” 

“Sure thing,” JJ responds with a forced smile, shoving a spoon full of mashed potatoes down his throat.

Ben seems to understand that JJ doesn’t really want to continue and turns to say something to Mike. 

_Thank fucking god._ JJ thinks, tries to focus on regulating his breathing, when, “so, it sounds like you and your dad were really close,” Caroline says with a soft smile that makes JJ’s stomach churn, “do you keep in touch?” 

Kiara’s hand is still in his, and she gives it a comforting squeeze. He squeezes back in appreciation and forces himself to meet his mother's eyes, “Um, not if I can help it.” 

Caroline’s face falls in sympathy. “Oh, I see, falling out?” 

“Sure, let's go with that.” 

Caroline frowns at him but thankfully takes the hint not to press, “I get. I’ve had an uh, rocky relationship with my family as well.” 

JJ snorts, by that she means _my parents kicked me out when they found out I was having some scumbags baby at fifteen,_ but of course he’s probably the only person in the room who knows that. 

Caroline frowns at him, “what?” 

“Oh, nothing sorry. Uh, went down the wrong pipe.”

She narrows her eyes at him but continues anyway, “so how about your mom? Did she work as well?” 

“Uhh, yeah, she did but she dipped when I was like eight.” 

He sees a flicker of memory flash across her face and for the first time all night she’s at a loss for words.

Ben speaks up for her, “I’m so sorry, son. We didn’t know.” 

“I am _not_ your son,” JJ snaps before he can stop himself, all heads twist towards him and JJ forces himself to take a deep breath, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t-” 

“It’s alright, I understand,” Ben responds, with another soft smile. 

JJ fucking hates him. 

He continues, “I couldn’t imagine leaving any of my children.” 

  
Caroline makes a small noise, and glancing back he notices her anxiously drumming her fingers against the table, a nervous tick he knows. “It can be hard sometimes, for a mother,” she adds, her voice soft, she’s not looking at any of them in particular, it’s almost like she’s talking to herself, probably remembering an energetic little boy with the nerve to be born. “To be so young and trapped in a life you never planned on, never wanted. Sometimes you have to make hard decisions.” 

“Is that what you tell yourself?” JJ bites out, his patience fading by the second. 

“W-what?” Caroline stammers, her face pale. 

JJ swallows, takes a deep breath, and forces himself to calmly say, “it sounds like your speaking from experience.” 

  
“What? No! I mean of course not, I was just saying I understand--” 

“Do you have any secret children you left behind somewhere, Caroline?” He asks pointedly, enough humor in his voice for everyone else to pass it off as a joke, and enough tension to make her nervous. 

Caroline winces like he’d slapped her and JJ knows he's hit a sore spot. She wavers for a moment, probably trying to figure out how he could possibly know about her life here, and telling herself that it’s impossible, that she’s just paranoid. So she looks him, dead in the eyes, and calmly says, “no.” 

It hits him like a punch to the gut. His dad's words ring in his ears, _“Your Mama knew it!”_ They always followed calling him worthless, or stupid, or a burden, blatantly blaming his son for his wife’s running out. For a long time, JJ believed him, believed it was his fault that his mom left, at least partly. He knows better now, she left to escape her piece of shit husband. She didn’t leave _because_ of him, but there was still a reason she chose not to take him with her. It’s simple really; she didn’t love him. Not enough at least. He had been diagnosed with both ADHD and dyslexia in kindergarten, he was loud and needy, always wanting attention, more often than not ignoring instructions, why would she want to deal with him as she started her new life? He just wasn’t worth the extra effort.

_Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless._

The hurt quickly manifests itself as anger. Kiara, and his goal to impress her parents, leaves his mind completely and he finally snaps, “Then don’t sit there and try to defend my goddamn mother, you don't know shit about this! ” 

He’s vaguely aware of Kiara hissing “ _JJ”_ and of Anna making an audible gasp, but in that moment the only thing that mattered was the woman sitting in front of him. 

Caroline blinks at him, taken aback but doesn’t back down. He wasn’t expecting her too. He lived with her for long enough to know that she’d never back down from a fight, another shitty trait he’d inherited. 

“I wasn’t _defending_ anyone. I was simply explaining another perspective--” 

  
“--another perspective that you know nothing about.” 

She glares at him for a moment, he knows that she wants to argue, to fire back that he’s wrong and that she knows exactly what she’s fucking talking about. But they both know she can’t say that. Backed into a corner between surrender and admitting the truth, she lies. 

“I had a very close friend in high school, long before I met Ben.” She starts slowly, her voice is steady but JJ can see her hand shaking. “She got pregnant very young, married the father, and tried to raise her child,” Caroline’s eyes darted around the room like she’s desperately searching for an ally. She continues, more impassioned than before, “her husband was a piece of _shit,_ she _hated_ her life, she was miserable and- and _suicidal._ If she hadn’t started over--” 

  
“How’s the kid?” JJ asks, his voice icy, he can feel tears pricking at his eyes. 

She stares back at him, mouth agape, “What?” 

“I said _how’s the kid_.” 

Caroline falters, JJ can see her debate whether or not to make something up, for once she settles on the truth, says in a small voice, “I don’t know.” He can see her eye’s growing glassy with unshed tears, he knows he’s probably brought up emotions she’s kept buried for years but _fuck it,_ as if she hadn’t done the same to him. 

She at least has the decency to look guilty, but JJ’s veins are still burning with the adrenaline of anger and he has little to no impulse control on the best of days so nothing holds him back from spitting, “sounds like she should have kept it her fucking pants.” 

“Jonathan James Maybank!!” Anna shouts from the other side of the table, every eye snaps to her. “That is _enough_! I don’t know what’s gotten into you tonight but I _truly_ thought you’d outgrown all this. Now you can apologize to Caroline or you can see yourself out because I will _not_ tolerate this kind of behavior in my house!” 

The table sits in stunned silence, Kiara exclaims “ _Mom!”_ Mike whispers, “ _Anna”_ and Caroline makes an audible gasp at hearing the name _Maybank._ JJ feels tears burning behind his eyes, Anna’s words sting like a paper cut on an open wound. He slowly turns his head back to face Caroline, her face has gone ashen, and tears are slowly sliding down her cheeks. 

Her voice, barely audible, she asks,“ _Johnny?”_

He meets her eyes, they’re the same color as his. He’s taken countless beatings just for having his mother's goddamn eyes. Tears have started sliding down his own cheeks as he hisses, “ _go to hell_ ,” and practically sprints out of the room. 

####  _I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss_

_I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs_

_The smell of smoke would hang around this long_

_'Cause I knew everything when I was young_

  
  


Caroline can’t breathe. Her chest is tight and her stomach is _sick_ with fifteen years of buried guilt. She’s vaguely aware of Ben reaching out to touch her, for the first time in years she flinches away. She can hear Kiara speaking angrily to her mother, and can hear Anna telling her hush, then Mike is asking if she’s alright. Caroline’s mind is spinning as she places the tall muscular twenty four year old she just met with the skinny little eight-year-old that haunts her dreams at night. She should have known. She should have known from the second their eyes met and he stared at her like he’d seen a ghost. 

A part of her _had_ known. She’d simply convinced herself it was impossible. By all rights, it _should be_ impossible that Luke _Maybank’s_ son would be at Christmas Dinner with her socialite husband's college friend, and dating their daughter nonetheless. It was her worst nightmare. Truly. She had told Ben the nightmares were of her abusive ex-boyfriend, a simple effect of the trauma. She had lied. Luke was never in a single one of her nightmares. It was always Johnny, young and beaten and begging for her to come back to him. Or grown and spiteful, hating her with every fiber of his being. 

Despite this, she can’t help but feel a sense of relief. He’s _safe_ , he’s _okay_ , he got _out._ Caroline knows that she had no right to the feeling, but a sense of pride overwhelms her anyway. 

“ _Caroline_!” Her husband's voice snaps her back to reality. He had to grab her shoulders to get her attention, his face wrought with concern. The rest of the diner party is staring at her like she’s a madwoman. Which isn’t entirely inaccurate. 

“I have to go,” she responds quietly and pulls free of Ben’s grip and runs down the hallway to find her son. 

***

It’s been a long time since JJ has felt like this. He was doing fucking great until about thirty minutes ago when his estranged mother had accidentally waltzed back into his life through such a crazy coincidence that JJ’s pretty sure the Universe is telling him he was an idiot for getting so comfortable. Now, in one night, he’s coming undone and JJ doesn’t feel like he’s grown at all. He’s still the same scared, unloved, _angry_ kid he used to be. 

The very idea of her, the fact that she’s doing so well, the fact that her new husband is just about the nicest fucking person JJ has met, the fact that she has _three_ other kids that somehow managed to be worthy of her love when he wasn’t, that she looked him right in the eye, eyes the same color as hers, and denied his existence, it hurts more than any of his fathers punches ever did. And it fills him with a boiling rage that frankly scares the shit out of him. JJ feels like he has to hit something or he might just implode so as he bursts out the backdoor of the Carrera’s house onto the patio and slams his fists against the first tree he can find, not caring that he’s not wearing gloves and it will make an absolute mess of fists. Tears are sliding down his cheeks and onto the ground as he punches, harder and harder until -- 

“Stop it!” The concern and urgency of the voice spills out as a withering cry and JJ snaps around immediately, startled. 

Caroline is standing before him, even with only the pale glow of the moonlight JJ can see the redness in her eyes. She looks like she wants to move towards him and decides against it, instead she softly says, “you're going to break your knuckles.” 

JJ scoffs, _now_ she’s all concerned for his well being. A little late for that. “Like you give a shit.” 

Caroline swallows, blinking back tears, says gently, “of course I care.” 

Her voice is heavy with emotion and JJ _wants_ to believe her, but she doesn’t get to do that. She doesn’t get to say shit like that to him. So instead he just rolls his eyes, “you sure got a funny way of showing it.” 

She takes a step towards him, starts, “Joh-” 

JJ backs up immediately shaking his head, “No! No, fuck off!” 

Caroline stops, her hands raised in front of her like she’s trying to calm an injured animal. 

She doesn’t get to do this. She didn’t even want to see him, if Anna hadn’t said his full name she never would have even known who he was. Now she’s out here trying to what? Make amends? Make herself feel better? It only fuels the anger burning inside of him and he spits, “I don’t want your fucking excuses or, or whatever it is you have to say. I don’t give a shit. Go back to your goddamn dinner party and pretend I don't exist. You’ve been doing it for fifteen years I’m sure it won’t be too hard for you.” 

JJ feels drunk off his anger and he _hates it,_ he’s not thinking straight and if she keeps pressing him he’s not sure he’ll have full control over what he says or does, and that scares the _shit_ out of him. So he turns his back to her and walks away, this is all _too much_ and he just wants to run until his mind isn’t so loud anymore he no longer feels so _violent_. 

“Johnny wait! Please!” She cries, running to catch up to him and then stopping in front of him, her arms out in front of her. 

“Get out of my fucking way,” JJ snarls, it sounds harsh even to his own ears. He doesn’t sound like himself, Caroline freezes and he knows she heard it too. 

She’s looking up at him, not quite fearful, but calculating, taking note of the distance between them, how far he’d have to swing to hit her if she’d have time to dodge. It’s a look that he knows all too well. _“ You ain't no better than me”_ his father’s words echo in his head, _“you think I didn’t think I was gonna be better than my Daddy? It’s your blood kid.”_

“I’m not going to hit you, Caroline,” his voice is still clipped and cold, but softer than before. “I’m not like him.” 

“I didn’t-” 

  
“Oh, bullshit. I know that _look_.” 

JJ sees tears begin to slide down her cheeks, she looks so miserable he almost pities her. 

Almost. 

“I am _so_ sorry.” 

JJ huffs out a humorless laugh, “good to fucking know.” He can’t take this, he needs to leave _now._ He steps to move around her and she follows him, placing a warm hand on his chest. 

JJ snaps back from her, “don’t _fucking_ touch me.” 

  
She doesn’t come any closer. “Baby, we need to talk.” 

For some reason, it's “ _Baby”_ that pushes him over the edge, the soft term of endearment she had used more often than his name. After she left he became unaffectionately known as “Little Shit.” She doesn’t get to stumble across him fifteen years later and start talking to him like nothing’s changed. Like she still doesn’t understand the gravity of what she did to him. That fire courses back through his veins and JJ doesn’t have the self-restraint to hold back. 

“Talk? You wanna fucking talk?” He shouts, stepping towards her, this time ignoring the look of fear in her eyes, “What exactly would you like to talk about Caroline? The fact that you left your eight-year-old with your fucked up husband? Or maybe the fact that you remarried a fucking Kook and never _once_ thought of even checking in on that kid you left to _rot!!_ I mean really why would you? Don’t wanna ruin that perfect life you’ve built for yourself. Don’t want your new husband to know you're just some white trash salt lifer’s whore.” 

Caroline’s eyes widen at the harshness of his words and JJ sees anger flare up behind them. Kiara would have his balls for saying shit like that. 

“I did what I had to do to save myself!” she grits out defiantly, “you have no _idea-_ ” she trails off, biting her lips and shutting her eyes as she realizes the mistake in her words. JJ knows exactly what she went through with Luke, knows it better than she does. He lived with it for _longer_ than she did, he lived it while she was off surfing with her shiny new family.

“You selfish _bitch!”_ he spits, Caroline winces but this time she doesn’t bother to defend herself. “To _save yourself?_ What about me? _Mom?”_ His voice breaks as he says it, and tears are beginning to build behind his eyes again, and JJ lets them fall. He wants her to see him cry, for all childhood tears she never saw, for all the hugs he never received. “I was just a kid. You _left me_ with _him._ You _knew_. You _fucking knew_ what he was and you _left_ me with him. What kind of person does that? What kind of _mother_ does that?” 

Caroline looks up to meet his eyes, a steady stream of tears are sliding down her face, her shoulders are shaking ever so slightly, and she’s looking at him with so much guilt and regret that his burning anger fades. In its place comes a calm sense of disdain, it’s worse than the anger. When his dad was calm like this he knew he was really fucked, because fiery anger is bad but it’s sloppy and quick, calm anger is slow and methodical, hits are calculated to make sure they land on the most sensitive areas. 

It’s a sickening energy that makes JJ want to crawl out of his skin, but somehow that doesn’t stop him. His tone cutting through the winter air like ice as he asks, “You know he told me it was my fault?” 

***

Caroline feels like she’s been punched in the gut. Repeatedly. Ribs on fire, wind-knocked-out-of-you punched in the gut. She squeezes her eyes shut and presses her cheek to her shoulder, can’t bear to see the pain in his eyes. She thought she could handle this but she _can’t_. She should have gotten the hell off this goddamn island the second she heard the name _Maybank._

“I believed him. For the longest time, I believed him. I would lie in bed at night after a beating and I’d ask _God_ what I’d done to make both my parents _hate_ me _so_ much.” 

She thinks he’s aiming for angry, cold, but it just comes out _broken._ There’s a childish vulnerability beneath the statement, a question. Caroline hates her old self for wishing she’d run. She’s not leaving this island until she’s looked her son in the eye and told him that she loves him, that it wasn’t his fault. With renewed courage, she lifts her eyes to meet his eyes, even in the moonlight she can see the baby blue, the same color as hers. She should have recognized him the second she saw those blue eyes. 

“Dad hated me because I was a painful reminder of _you_ but _you,”_ he takes a menacing step forward and Caroline instinctively backs up, tripping over a root rising from the ground “you nothing but a lying, slutty, bitch! And you don’t give a _shit_ about anyone but yourself!!” 

Now on the ground, her eyes still blurry from tears, she doesn’t see Ben until she hears the crack of his knuckles connecting with JJ’s jaw. 

“Don’t you _ever_ talk to my wife like that!” Ben exclaims as JJ staggers backward. 

For a second they both stare at him in shock, then JJ rubs his jaw, huffs out an amused laugh “not bad Benny. I didn’t think you had it in you.” 

Ben raises a first again, JJ sets his footing, preparing for a fight. Caroline knows full well how that would end and would rather have her husband in one piece, so she jumps between them, her back to her son. “Don’t!” 

Ben frowns at her in confusion, probably surprised she hadn’t punched the kid herself, he’d watched Caroline punch men for far less. 

“Caroline… are you defending that..” he sputters trying to find a word, even in this situation can’t bring himself to curse, “he has no right to speak to you like that.” 

She sighs, starts slowly, “ _He_ has every right to say, everything that he said.” 

Ben frowns at her, searching her face for an answer he’ll never understand “Caroline, what are you talking about?”

She sighs, can’t think of a way to sugar code it. Says bluntly, “he’s my son.” 

####  _I knew I'd curse you for the longest time_

_Chasing shadows in the grocery line_

_I knew you'd miss me once the thrill expired_

_And you'd be standin' in my front porch light_

_And I knew you'd come back to me_

  
  


Caroline had thought about telling Ben the truth of her past ever since the day they met. Never once in her wildest dreams did she imagine it would be happening quite like _this._ Ben just blinks down at her comprehensively, “your- your _what?_ ” 

“You heard me.” 

“Caroline you would have been-” 

“Fifteen.”

Ben’s eyes visibly widened, “you- but before me, you’re only other boyfriend was… no.” 

Caroline honestly didn’t think she possibly feels any worse than she already did, but Ben is staring down at her, a blend of shock, disgust, and betrayal in his soft brown eyes and she can feel her sons angry stare burning the holes in the back of her head, she desperately wishes she could just _disappear._

“Caroline,” Ben starts his voice slow and steady, “tell me, you did not leave your son with _that--_ ” 

He doesn’t finish the sentence and Caroline doesn’t respond. Stares at the ground with hot tears running down her cheeks. 

Ben lets out a small breath, backs away from her a look of horror on her face that sends such a wave of shame and self-loathing over her that it makes her want to vomit. 

“Baby please,” she begs, her voice cracking with emotion. 

Ben ignores her, looks past her to JJ, says somewhat awkwardly “sorry about the..” and motions to his cheek. 

JJ just laughs, “oh don’t worry about it,” he turns to meet his mother’s eyes as he adds, “I’m used to it.” 

They both wince at that. If Ben's face could fall anymore it does. He says, voice breaking, “Kid, I’m so sorry. If I’d known-” 

Mike cuts him off, voice cold and stern, “I think you two should go. You clearly have a lot to talk about.” 

***

JJ hadn’t even realized they were there, but all three Carrera’s were standing a few feet off. Anna is holding her face in her hand, Mike is glaring coldly at Caroline, fists tight to his sides. Kiara’s gaze is also trained on his mother, it’s so dark and far away but JJ thinks he can make out the fire in her eyes. 

“Yes, I think that’s probably for the best,” Ben agrees, nodding to Caroline to follow him to the car. But of course, she stubbornly ignores him, asks, “can ya’ll give us a moment?” 

Mike scoffs, “you had a _moment._ It wasn’t going very well. Now get the hell off my property.” 

It occurs to JJ that Mike is angry for _him._ That he’s defending him, _protecting_ him. A warmth blossoms in his chest and he wonders if maybe he didn’t need to try so hard to win the Carrera's approval if maybe _he’s already won it._

JJ makes eye contact with Kiara and sees her eyes soften, he just wants this to be over, wants to go home and fall asleep in her arms because she feels like home and safety and everything he’s dreamed of but never imagined he could have. 

Caroline, true to her character, is too stubborn to leave without getting the last word. Turns to him, her blue eyes wide and pleading, says, “Just five minutes, _please_. Johnny, five more minutes, and I swear to God you will never have to hear from me again.” 

Mike glances at him, it’s his choice. JJ wants desperately to tell her fuck off. To coldly say that he doesn’t give a shit about her or her excuses. That would be a lie. He can yell and scream and say nasty things all he wants, but she’s his _mom_. If he walks away from the Carrera’s without hearing whatever reason she might have, he knows he’ll regret it. He’ll wonder and stew and kill himself over it for years. If he hears her out now, at least he’ll _know._

He lets out a breath of surrender. “Okay.” 

Mike nods solemnly and turns to walk away, he hears Kiara start to say his name but her mother pulls at her arm, and slowly, they all retreat back to the house. Once again, leaving him and his mom. 

JJ turns to her, opens his arm, “well?” 

She sighs, says, “I'm too damn sober for this,” and rifles through the small purse hanging over her shoulder before pulling out a rolled joint and a lighter. “I thought I might end up needing this on this godforsaken _Christmas Vacation_.” 

JJ laughs, shaking his head. “You keep _weed_ in your _purse?”_

She smirks at him, says, “only when I think I’m gonna need it.” 

He hates how much he likes her, how much of himself he can see in her. 

She takes a seat on the porch steps and motions for him to sit beside her, asks, “does it make me a bad mother if I offer my son drugs?” while taking a long drag, a glint of humor in her eyes. 

JJ scoffs, walking over to sit beside her, “you crossed the _bad mother_ line about fifteen years ago. Gimme that shit.” 

Caroline just laughs and hands him the joint. He’d forgotten what that laugh sounded like. Forgotten that he missed it. 

They sit there silently for a moment, pass the joint back and forth. The weeds calms him, takes the edge off his anger, leaves him with an empty melancholy, an ache for a life he never had. 

Caroline takes a deep breath, finally says, “I would say ‘I’m sorry’ but it feels...inadequate.” 

He laughs, coldly, humorlessly, “no fucking shit.” 

“I _am_ sorry Johnny--” 

“JJ,” he corrects quickly. He hasn’t been called John or Johnny since elementary school, he hates hearing her say it. How familiar it is. 

“JJ. I- If I could go back-” 

“You’d never fuck that piece of shit in the first place?” It slips off his tongue easily, cold and harsh, but probably true. 

“I don’t regret having you JJ,” she says softly, her voice genuine and her eyes meeting his with tears in them. “I _never_ did. And I don’t regret leaving and I don’t regret not taking you with me.” 

JJ stares at her incredulously, he’s not sure what he was expecting her to say but it sure as hell wasn’t _that._ It seems cruel, even for her but before he can even fully process her words, she continues. 

“What I regret is that I didn’t come back the _second_ I got clean. I mean I should have been back to make sure you were okay as soon as I got my life together but--” her voice cracks and she has to choke back a sob before continuing. “But I didn’t. And baby, I am _so so_ sorry for that.” 

She looks like she intends to continue but JJ cuts her off.“Wait, wait, did you say you _got clean_?” 

  
She frowns at him, wipes the streams of tears off her cheeks. “Well… yeah... Your dad didn’t tell you?” 

JJ shakes his head, “he, uh, didn’t talk about you much. Mostly just called you a bitch and said that you knew I was worthless.” It slips out casually, JJ hadn’t even meant it as a dig towards her. Over the years he’d grown accustomed to easily making offhand comments about his dad, but Caroline winces like he’s slapped her. 

“I, um- what _do_ you remember … of me?” 

JJ frowns at her, narrows his eyes, has to take a moment to think about it. Most of his memories of her are hazy and filled with sunshine. Baking cookies and watching Scooby-Doo, learning to surf, and her tucking him into bed each night. Even the night she left is tinged with light like she was an angel returning to heaven, something so beautiful and _good_ it could never actually remain in his life.

He just shrugs. “Mostly good stuff I guess. I mean you were my _mom._ I thought you were a goddamn angel.” 

Caroline huffs out a laugh. “Well. Sounds like you’ve blocked a lot out and, I mean, I don’t blame you, I’m sure you needed to. I, uh, hate to rip off the rose-colored glasses of what might have been your few pleasant childhood memories but, honey, I was never any good. I was just a child and I couldn’t handle raising you but I tried, I swear I tried. But your father and I … we just didn’t make sense. I mean, we fought like cats and dogs before it even got violent. I saw him as an asshole and he saw me as basically another child. It uh- it wasn’t pretty. I just wanted a _break,_ a way to escape it all and I found it in drugs. I- I lost myself completely. I mean, I stole the money we had saved,” her voice breaks and she continues through tears, “for your seventh birthday present and used it to pay for-,” she can’t seem to finish that sentence. She doesn’t have to. JJ knows what she means, and can feel tears stinging at his own eyes again.

She smiles sadly as she continues. “Your dad was _so_ furious. It was the first time he ever hit me. I mean he _loved_ you, so much.” 

JJ turns to face her again at that, not sure he can quite believe it.

“Well, you know how the rest of the story goes. Shit went straight to hell after that. The night you got between us… Luke had _never_ hit you like that before, and it was all my fault. I wasn’t good for you, I wasn’t good for him. Hell, I could barely take care of myself, let alone a child. So I left, and I don’t regret that because if I stayed I don’t think I’d be alive today. And Lord knows that wouldn’t have made your life any better.” 

JJ swallows hard, absorbing that information, tries to process it. Doesn’t think he can, doesn’t think he’ll be able to for a while. Still, he forces himself to reflect on the few good memories he has and see them for they were. See her for what she was. Maybe, if she’d stayed things would have been better, but not by a lot. He’d spent so much time blaming her for the change in his father, dreaming of what life would have been like if she’d cared enough to stay. Or to divorce Luke so they could have lived together, just the two of them. But that was never an option. Not really. 

His mom shifts slowly brings her hand to settle over his, waits for him to pull away. He doesn't. She turns to face him, blue eyes pleading and regretful and terribly sad. “But I should have come back. I could have and I didn’t and he _hurt you_ and I will never, ever forgive myself for that.”

JJ considers that, tearing his eyes away from her and staring back out at the night sky. If she had come back for him at some point where he would be? Would he and Kiara still have gotten together? He wouldn’t trade his life with her for anything, not even a better childhood. It sounds bad, _unhealthy_ as the doctors like to say, and he knows it, but it’s true. 

“But baby, look at me,” she continues, her voice steady with purpose as she gently lifts her hand to his face. He lets her turn his head so that his gaze focuses back on her, her soft palm warm against the side of his face. “ _None_ of that was your fault. You were just a kid and your father and I, to put to it kindly, were absolute pieces of shit. You deserved so much that what we gave you and I know that it’s for you to believe that, but it’s the truth.” 

JJ pulls away from his head out of grasp, holding eye contact becoming too much for him. She takes his hand instead. 

“And look at you now. Look at where you _are!_ _In spite_ of all the _shit,_ your father and I put you through. I know I don’t have any right to say this, but I am _so_ fucking proud of you. You’ve become a better person than me or Luke will _ever_ be,” she lightly bumps his shoulder, “you wouldn’t be dating the Carrera’s daughter if you weren’t.” 

JJ slowly lifts his eyes up from where they were trained on his shoes to meet her eyes. Blue. Like his, and looking at him with such tenderness, such regret, he almost forgives her. _Almost._ She reaches out to rest a hand on his cheek and he doesn’t pull away, lets her lean towards him, and press a kiss to his forehead. 

JJ’s anger has vanished, and its place is a deep aching sadness, a wish that things had been different. That his dad hadn’t grown up angry and violent, that his mom hadn’t turned to drugs, that things had been _better._ He feels tears start to slide slowly down his cheeks and this time he doesn’t hold back, lets himself fall apart into heavy sobs. After a moment his mom scoots closer to him, giving him space to pull away. He doesn’t. He leans into her warmth and she wraps one arm around his shoulders and uses the other to gently pull his head down so that his forehead rests on her shoulder, her chin pressed against his head, “Shh, it’s okay,” she whispers against his head, “It's okay, baby, it’s okay, I got you. I’m here. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” 

She’s gently carding through the blond strands of his hair. She used to do that when he was little, to help him fall asleep, the memory somehow makes him cry even harder. And his mother holds him like somehow this moment could make up for fifteen lost years. It doesn’t. It can’t, but it’s still _nice_. It’s not forgiveness, he’s not ready for that, doesn’t think he ever will be and he thinks she knows that, but it is _peace_ and that’s all either of them could ask for. 

  
  


####  _But I knew you_

_Dancin' in your Levi's_

_Drunk under a streetlight_

_I, I knew you_

_Hand under my sweatshirt_

_Baby, kiss it better, right_

  
  


Kiara finds JJ sitting with his back to her on the front steps, staring silently into the night. She sits down beside him, doesn’t say anything, doesn’t touch him, just studies his face. His eyes are puffy and red and she can the faint lines on his cheeks where tears have been streaming. Kiara has to physically resist the urge to wrap her arms around him, she can see the tension in his shoulders and the hard set of his jaw and knows better than to touch him without an invitation. 

“JJ?” She tests quietly, hoping just to get him to look at her. 

He doesn’t. Swallows looks at the ground fiddling with the tips of his blonde fringe. “Can- can you tell your parents,” he finally looks up, turning to face her, “that I’m sorry for ruining their Christmas?” 

The sincerity in his hollow-sounding voice breaks her heart, that _that_ is what he’s worried about. Like everyone would have expected him to suck it up and play nice after unexpectedly seeing his mother for the first time since she abandoned him to live with his abusive father as an eight-year-old. 

“You didn’t- I mean… no one blames you. Okay? My parents aren’t mad at you. This wasn’t your fault. None of this was your fault.” 

JJ huffs out a laugh, “Yeah, people keep saying that.” 

“Because it’s true.” 

He meets her eyes for a moment, like searching for something, maybe a sign that she’s lying. 

“You ready to go home?” She asks gently, offering him her hand. 

JJ closes his eyes and nods, grabs her hand, and holds it tight like it’s the only thing tethering him to the ground. 

“Should we say goodbye to your parents?” 

Kiara sighs, all this and he’s still worried about making a good impression on her parents. “I already talked to them, they don’t mind. We’ll stop in before going back to Australia anyway.” 

JJ nods and lets her lead him by hand to the car. The ride back to the Chateau is silent, Kiara puts some music on real low to try and ease the tension, then turns it off because Feliz Navidad somehow makes it worse. JJ stares out the window and she focuses on the road. It’s less than a fifteen-minute drive, but it feels like an eternity. Kiara wants to say something, something that might be comforting, that might urge him to tell her what he’s feeling, what his mom said. But she knows better than to push, if he wants to sit in the quiet then she’ll let him. 

When they do make it back to the chateau, in true JJ fashion he immediately starts rolling a blunt. Kiara recognizes that he’s using the hard stuff he gets from his cousin, the stuff he keeps saved for… well, nights like this. Kiara keeps her distance, lets him have his space. She hates it. The distance. She hates knowing that he’s hurting and that she’s doing nothing about it. She also knows how important it is to him that she gives him some time to himself, smothering him can have the opposite effect. So, while JJ takes his blunt out to the pier. Kie changes her clothes and makes some sandwiches because neither of them actually ate much and JJ especially is going to need some food to balance out all that weed. 

Kiara gives him about fifteen minutes (probably a little less) before following him out. He’s sitting with his feet dangling off the edge, taking slow drags on his blunt and staring out across the ocean. She says a soft “hey” before sitting down, just in case he didn’t hear her coming. JJ turns to her, offers a smile and passes her the blunt, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead. It breaks the touch barrier between them and Kiara takes a small drag of the blunt before switching it to her left hand and setting it down. She takes JJ’s hand, intertwining their fingers and scooting closer to him so that her cheek rests on his shoulder. JJ sighs and leans his own cheek against her head. 

“I guess this is just about the worst Christmas ever, huh,” she tries. Testing to see how if she might be able to get something out of him. 

“Hmm, Nah. Maybe makes it to the top five.” 

“Worst Christmases?” she asks, slightly taken aback. 

JJ hums in agreement. “S’okay though. I’ve got _you_ now.” 

Kiara sighs. “Yeah. Yeah, you do.” Gently asks, “do you wanna talk about it?” Already knowing the answer but feeling like she should ask anyway. Just in case. 

“No.” 

“Okay.” 

It’s the most they’ve spoken since they left her parents, but it’s all that needs to be said. They sit there together, listening to the lapping of the waves against the dock and the chirping of crickets and cicadas chirping in the brush. The moment brings back a wave of nostalgia and Kiara can’t help but think back to all the nights growing up she’d found him in the exact same position and all the nights where the roles had been reversed. 

So much has changed, and so much hasn’t. She and JJ haven’t, not really, not at the core of their relationship. He’s always been there for her, always known her better than she knew herself. As stupid as Kiara feels for taking so long to realize how she felt about him, and then even longer to finally admit it, she doesn’t regret it. She doesn’t think he does either. They came together exactly when they were meant to. 

“I’m really lucky,” she whispers into the night. 

JJ shifts to look at her, “why’s that?”

She smiles up at him, “because I have you.” 

He snorts, “that’s cheesy as fuck.” 

It is. But it’s also something he needs to hear. So fuck her dignity, she’ll say it a million times if she has to. 

“Maybe. But it’s also true.” 

JJ hums. “Well, I guess I’m lucky too.” 

“Yeah,” she pecks him on the nose with a cheeky smile, “you are.” 

He smiles at her, takes his hand out of his so he can wrap his arm around her, she leans into him and presses her nose to the polo shirt he’s wearing. He smells like a mix of nice cologne (that he only wore for her parents) and weed. 

Kiara absentmindedly picks up JJ’s hand that’s resting on her lap and laces her fingers through his, happens to look down, and notices the dark purple bruises covering his knuckles. 

“JJ!” She hisses, “what the hell?” 

  
He blinks at her in confusion for a second before taking in the fact that she’s holding his hand up towards his face. 

“Oh. I punched a tree.” 

“You can’t just punch trees, JJ! You’re lucky you didn’t break your knuckles!” 

“Well, you said I can’t punch people,” he responds innocently. 

Kie tries to keep a straight face and fails, JJ downright giggles at her like it’s the funniest thing he’s ever said and, yeah, he's _definitely_ high. 

Kiara has to repress a chuckle herself because JJ’s boyish laugh is annoyingly infectious. 

“Alright c’mon _giggly boy,_ let’s get you cleaned up,” she says, worming out from under his arm and standing up. 

JJ continues laughing, repeats “giggly boy,” and makes no action to stand up. Kiara sighs and wraps her arm around his back, tucking her shoulder under his armpit and hoisting him off his feet to the best of her ability. As soon as he’s on his feet, JJ wraps his arms tightly around her waist and buries his head in her shoulder. “You're warm. N’ smell nice.” 

Kiara can’t help but grin. JJ’s always affectionate, always looks for some sort of physical contact, even if it’s just standing shoulder to shoulder. But _intoxicated_ JJ loses all his normal walls and inhibitions and practically turns into a giant blond teddy bear. It’s kind of endearing. Kie pats his head the back of his head, “I know, babe, but we have to go inside.” 

JJ shakes his head against her shoulder, “nope. We can stay right here.” 

Kiara lets out a sigh and shakes her head, an amused grin tugging at her lip. That grin turns into a laugh when she pulls away and JJ lets out a noise that can only be described as a whine. She takes his hand before he tackles her in another hug and starts walking back to the house, JJ trailing obediently behind her. 

He scurries up to her and whispers, “you have a pretty butt,” in her ear like it’s some scandalous secret. 

Kiara snorts. “Um, thanks? You too, bud.” 

“Can I touch it?” 

“My ass?” Kiara asks incredulously, turning her head to glance back at him. He nods at her, wide-eyed and innocent. It seems an odd request given that not twenty-four hours ago they were fucking on the kitchen counter and she’d assumed they were past the point in their relationship of needing explicit permission to touch each other's asses but high JJ and is _high JJ_ and it’s easier not to question him. 

“Uhh, sure.” 

He taps her ass lightly and then bursts into giggles again, speeding up so he can wrap his arm around her shoulders and whisper, very seriously, into her ear, “ _I touched the butt_.” 

Kiara just stares at him speechless for a second as he grins cheekily at her. She’s tempted to swat at his shoulder and push him away, but his smile is so boyish and bright and his eyes are so soft that she only rolls her eyes. “You’re a dumbass.” 

  
“But you love me.” 

“Poor me.” 

The glee in his eyes fades immediately and he drops his gaze from her, “oh. I’m sorry.” 

A wave of guilt washes over her as she’s abruptly reminded of how sensitive high JJ can be, how _literal_ he tends to take things. She stops them right before the steps to the porch, cups the side of his face with her right hand and gently rubs her thumb across his cheek, says, “Hey, hey look at me.” 

He does, blue eyes cautious and insecure. “I was _kidding_. Of course, I love you and I’m so fucking happy that I do. Okay?” He nods seriously, and Kiara relaxes as the light seeps back into his eyes. 

When they get into the Chateau, Kie sits JJ down on the couch while she gets the antibacterial wipes. She doesn’t miss the way his eyes light up with relief when she comes back into his view like he thought she was going to crawl out the bathroom window and leave him sitting on the couch, dazed and hurting. 

Kiara sits down beside him and JJ immediately scoots closer to her, resting his head on her shoulder with a content sigh. He stays still as she takes his hands out of his lap and holds them gently by the wrist, wiping off the dried blood. Kiara’s sure it stings, but JJ doesn't even wince. She tries to not think about it. 

“There ya go. Maybe try to avoid punching trees from now on, yeah?” 

“What else am I supposed to punch?” 

She sighs, shaking her head and kissing him on the forehead as she goes to stand up. 

JJ whines when she moves his head off her shoulder and grabs her by the waist, pulling back down onto his lap nuzzling his head into the crook of her neck. “Stay.” 

“JJ, I have to get up.” 

“No.” 

“I’m just going to grab some food, neither of us actually ate dinner.” 

“Dinner is for losers.” 

  
“ _JJ.”_

_“Kiara.”_

Kie sighs. There’s no way she can possibly force herself out of his grip without hurting him but she’s too hungry to go to bed without eating and even if “ _dinner is for losers_ ”, she’s sure he’s hungry. Kiara can’t help but smile as an idea comes to her, she reaches behind her and lightly places her hands on his sides, not wanting to catch him completely off guard, before wiggling her fingers in the sides of his stomach, right where she knows he’s ticklish. She laughs as he squeals in surprise and releases his hold on her to protect his midsection. Kie takes her chance to leap up and rush over to the kitchen before he can recover. 

JJ pouts at her from the couch, leaning over the armrest with his arms folded, blond fringe falling into his eyes. “You cheated.” 

She smirks, both at his comment and how cute he looks. “All's fair in love and war, babe.” 

He cheers up when she hands him a sandwich and wolfs it down like an animal. 

“Dinners for losers, huh?” 

He sticks his tongue out at her, chewed up for and all.

“Gross.” 

“Oh, you wanna kiss?” 

  
“No. No, hell no! JJ!” She cries as he crawls over to her, “get away from me with your fucking food mouth!” He presses a sloppy wet kiss to her cheek and she wipes it off, rubbing it on his shirt as he laughs. 

“You’re disgusting.” 

“You weren’t complaining last night.” 

Kie just rolls her eyes, setting her plate on the coffee table, she could deal with it in the morning. She stands up, offers JJ a hand, he accepts it but mostly ends up pulling himself up anyway. 

Kiara leans against his side, says, “c’mon,” JJ instinctively wraps his arm around her shoulders, pressing a kiss to her head. 

Kiara jumps onto the bed immediately, shuffles under the covers, lying on her back with her head leaning against the headboard behind the pillows. She lets herself watch JJ change because he’s her _boyfriend_ and she can do that now. He smirks when he catches her looking, doesn’t bother putting on pajamas, crawls into bed beside her wearing just a pair of boxers. 

“Enjoy the show?” He asks, bracing his forearms around her head and leaning down to kiss her softly, and sloppily because he’s still high as fuck. 

“Not bad,” she says when he pulls away. “You could improve your technique if you're looking for a career as a stripper though.” 

JJ grins. “Oh yeah?” 

Kiara mirrors his smile. “Yeah.” 

“Why don’t you get up and show me how it’s done then?” 

“Oh yeah?” She says coyly because she didn’t really think he’d be up for it. 

His smile falters for a split second and he covers it up quickly, if she didn’t know him so well she might not have noticed. “Always babe,” he says leaning down to kiss her again but Kie lifts her hand to his mouth before he can. She knows he’d never say he wasn’t in the mood if he thought she wanted it, so she lets him keep his masculine pride and says “Mmm, tempting, but I think I’ll have to take a rain check. Mm tired.” 

Kiara doesn’t miss the relief that flashes across his face before he masks it by pressing a chaste to kiss to her lips and flopping over onto his side, mumbling “okay.” Kiara smirks, watching as his eyes almost immediately start to fall closed. A part of her wants to remind him that he can always say no to her if he wants to, that consent goes for him too and she’s not going to judge him for it. Not going to up and leave him if he says no to sex once in a while, but she also figures that there’s more to unpack there than he’s going to willing to deal with right now. He’s dealt with enough emotional shit today and Kiara’s not about to add to that. 

She whispers his name and bops him lightly on the nose.

JJ sleepily opens one eye and peers at her. “Mmm?” 

She opens her arms and makes grabby hands at him with a small smile, “c’mere.” 

JJ obliges, moving closer to her, lying on his side, his head resting on her chest so that his hair tickles her neck, curled up next to her like a cat. Kiara wraps her arms around his shoulders and rests her chin on top of his head, JJ responds by draping his left arm across her middle and pulling her impossibly closer, nuzzling against her skin so that his nose is pressed against her collarbone. 

Kiara just laughs, squeezing his shoulders tighter and pressing a kiss to his forehead, “you know I love you, right?” she asks softly into the dark room. 

JJ hums in response, she can feel the vibrations of his voice box against her skin. He pulls her tighter and mumbles back, “love you too.”

Kiara gently lifts a hand from around his shoulders and starts to run her fingers through his hair. JJ practically purrs as she combs through the yellow strands and Kie has to stifle a giggle so that she doesn’t disturb him from his half-asleep state. She starts absentmindedly humming a soft tune she can’t quite remember until she places it as the siren song from On Stranger Tides. They’d watched it a couple of nights ago because it’s one of JJ’s favorites. She smiles at the memory and keeps humming, occasionally throwing in the words she can remember and stroking JJ’s hair until she hears his breathing start to even out. 

Kiara almost falls asleep herself when she feels JJ wake up with a small twitch, tensing against her before relaxing back into her embrace. “Kie?” He asks, his voice small and childlike, quivering ever so slightly. 

“Yeah?” she responds immediately, “I’m here, I’m right here Jay.” 

“Are you - can you …” he trails off, his voice catching in his throat and Kiara thinks she can hear a small sob. She knows better than to push, so she squeezes his shoulders and presses another kiss to his forehead, making sure he knows not alone, that he’s safe. After a long moment of silence, he whispers, so softly she can barely hear it, “You’re not gonna leave me right?” 

It's so quiet and timid like he’s afraid to hear the answer. Kiara can feel her own eyes start to sting as tears build behind them. He hates it when she cries for him, a combination of not wanting pity and not wanting to be the reason she’s upset. But in moments like this, her heart just breaks for him and there’s nothing she can do to hide it. 

She thinks of responding with “you're stuck with me” or “can’t get rid of me that easy” but the vulnerability in his voice makes her wary of saying anything that can be even loosely misconstrued. So she tenderly brushes the hair off of his forehead and adds another gentle kiss.

“Never, Jay. _Never._ ” 

  
  


_And when I felt like I was an old cardigan_

_Under someone's bed_

_You put me on and said I was your favorite_

**Author's Note:**

> sooooo did I win the "saddest Christmas fic" challenge?? (i hope the established Jiara cuteness at the end made for some of it tho, I had a lot of fun writing that) 
> 
> If you enjoyed (or would like to yell at me for posting this much angst on Christmas day) please feel free to leave a friendly comment! I enjoy them very much lolll Thank you for reading!!
> 
> The title is from the song of the same name by Dolly Parton (sad Christmas vibes lets go) and all of the lyrics are from Cardigan by Taylor Swift.
> 
> tumblr: carissarose16


End file.
